Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
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Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me driving through Toronto
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter