Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
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Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
motivation
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair