Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
“I’m helping” 😅
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Tell the colonel to bring it
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?