NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
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No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.