I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
the rocks need my help
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in