ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
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My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Dietest Coke
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.