getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
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How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
ouch
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem