The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
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Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god