Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
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My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one