i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
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I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No