Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
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Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it