My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
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I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again