I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
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It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.