Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”