my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Breaking news:
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”