still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
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Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.