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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.