“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
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I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
concern
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’m Sold!
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
@funTweeters