You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
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What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.