[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
What the dentist sees
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples