Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
What a website
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them