The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
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A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n