Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
🤣🤣🤣
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
wow
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.