“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“Great, now I have to pee.”