When a shoelace touches your ankle
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Breakfast for Stoners:
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.