British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
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It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”