When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor