*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
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I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Nothing to do, you say?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.