FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.