Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.