First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Never let them know your next move 😂
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.