Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”