Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
HR said no more nunchucks.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo