If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I’m about to risk it all
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!