My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
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[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
plant them where lol
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you