[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
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Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.