You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.