Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!