first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Always a metermaid never a meter
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker