Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
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Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
😏😏😏
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
A leaf blower, but for people.
My dad.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I feel seen
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.