Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
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You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island