dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
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Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
oh shit
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”