First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
You Might Also Like
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
finally found a reasonable question
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
🤣dope
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?