Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Always the camel, never the toe.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.