Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
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Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here