I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
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The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
monday
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]