Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss