The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
never deleting this app.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it