deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Doctors texting each other.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.