The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
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pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!